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The Woman Behind the Breastplate

Ok, so this was originally supposed to be an article on what I would do if I were in charge of the world. Then naturally I started thinking about being the master of the universe because, hey, that’s an obvious next step. That, of course, led me to thinking about the old He-Man and She-Ra cartoons. Following? No? Then go away. Anyways, once I began traipsing back into childhood reminisces I frankly couldn’t think of anything else. Probably because ever since I was three years old I thought She-Ra was a total and complete BABE. Anyone who lived in the 1980s will recall these. I ended up looking for old episodes and found the movie in which She-Ra is introduced and teams up with He-Man called The He-Man and She-Ra Movie: The Secret of the Sword. It reminded me of how much I loved these shows back when cartoons were actually good and didn’t bang you over the head with militant political correctness or social morality or an actual understandable plotline. So I’m starting my own little campaign to bring back He-Man and She-Ra because they were a thing of wonder and whimsy. Now that I’ve intro’d the topic of the day and explained how I have way too much time to my own thoughts, let’s make with the funny.


"Take the sock out of there, He-Man, you're not fooling anyone."

This was back in the ’80s and in case you don’t remember the story line, He-Man and his entourage were the Masters of The Universe™ and She-Ra, who came out later on in the movie and then with her own show, was his sister and was aptly named the Princess of Power. Now these are names that get shit done. How would you like that on your resume? Sarah Wimplewhacker – Princess of Power. That dream accountant job doesn’t seem so far-fetched with that going for you, does it?

Basically they lived in a mythical universe where moving between dimensions was as easy as a trip to the dry-cleaners while fighting against a variety of evil-doers led by a guy named Skeletor who was apparently a walking ad for osteoporosis awareness. Both heroes had alternate joe-schmo identities and could change into their hero personae by whipping out their swords and calling on the “power (or ‘honour’ in She-Ra’s case) of ‘GreySkull’ (their magical homeland fortress). They kept their identities secret from most people, which to me seems a bit silly considering they are in a land full of creatures that appear to be the results of writers who are still working all the drugs from the late 1970s out of their systems.


Someone tell me: What the FUCK is this thing? Anways, I’m jealous,
but I don’t know of which one.

Every time they were about to engage the enemy, they changed to their hero forms and yelled out in huge echoing voices who they were just in case anyone had forgotten. He-Man would yell out "I AAAAMMMMM HHHHEEEE-MMMAAANNNN!!!” for about 20 minutes and then finally go off to fight the baddies. I want to announce my presence like that every time I enter a room. That would get people's attention, boy howdy. Seriously though, I think these two felt a major attention deficit. I mean, how easy is it to forget a person who changes into an all-powerful warrior with a big honkin’ sword amidst a bright glowing aura and bolts of lightning? Something tells me that people would take notice of that, yet every time that happens they feel the need to yell out who they are. Sheesh.

Despite the fact that He-Man was the self-proclaimed “Most Powerful Man in the Universe”, I preferred She-Ra way more. I remember watching the show when I was a toddler and there was something about a chick who wore a miniskirt, knee-high boots, a breastplate and a giant sword that, as implausible as it may have been, gave me a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper. Show her chugging a pitcher of beer and she's my perfect woman. Alternatively, He-Man seems to have been dressed by a costume-designer from a German fetish film. Furry red underwear does NOT say to me “Most Powerful Man in the Universe” as it does “One Step Shy of Silk Laced Panties”. Images in my head of He-Man running amok and saying in a nasal voice “I have the POWER, honey!” sends me into conniptions. I can picture the new He-Man movie - He-Man and She-Ra: The Secret of He-Man’s Past in which he tells She-Ra and crew that he did some films in college that he’s “not particularly… proud of.”


She-Ra perfected the concept of stylishness by the use of double sided tape WAY
before Jennifer Lopez ever thought of it, whereas He-Man apparently just skinned a Fraggle.

Now, granted, She-Ra may have not been the pinnacle of political correctness when it came to her portrayal of women. After all, she does wear a skirt the size of a face-cloth and has legs that attach directly to her breasts. Speaking of which, she doesn’t exactly have the most physically plausible shape either. What waist she did have was approximately the size of He-Man’s thigh and she had breasts that could double as weather balloons, but at least she had hips as well. This was also in the 1980s before political correctness really came into its own. Now we have cartoons like Kernel Klyde and His Kaptains of Karpacious Kuality and Kind Korrectness with heroes like Corporal Everyrace and Princess Itsaglandularproblem.

Now She-Ra may have looked like a dainty girl that should be spending less time fighting evil and more time keeping her skirt from riding up the remaining 3mm of covered thigh that the animators have given her to prevent an NC-17 rating, but if you piss her off she will fuck you up. Seriously. She-Ra could do everything that He-Man could do. Half the time he needed her help to lift something really heavy that he could not do by himself. Or maybe he could do it himself, but he just wants to ensure that he respects her right to participate and give her equal opportunity. Nah. She-Ra could bench press the White House. Plus she was smart. Way smarter than He-Man. Every episode He-Man and She-Ra would pause right before entering enemy territory and have a conversation that would go something along the lines of:

    He-Man: There’s Skeletor’s base. Let’s run in there and give him a firm spanking! That bastard has stolen my pants for the last time!
    She-Ra: Wait, brother! We shouldn’t just go charging in! My skirt will ride up! Let us sneak in there first by avoiding the guards and then give him a sound spanking!
    He-Man: Maybe you’re right, sister! By the way, are you cold?
    She-Ra: What? And why are you looking at my breastplate?
    He-Man: Heh heh heh.
    She-Ra: Men!
Anyways, She-Ra’s plan of avoiding the guards would last for about 7 seconds before they were caught and forced to bitch-slap a variety of robot guards into scrap metal. Frankly, considering how strong those two were, they never really had to do any sneaking. They could beat the living shit out of basically whatever got in their way. But at least She-Ra was thinking!

So basically He-Man was good, but once She-Ra came along the pinnacle of 1980s children’s cartoons had arrived. There was simply no way to improve. The scripts were pure gold as this excerpt from the He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special, which I swear to God I am not making up, can attest to:

    Random Pithy Children Inserted For the Purpose of Being Captured and Becoming a General Pain in the Ass for the Heroes: (running up to the He-Man) He-Man! She-Ra! Skeletor saved us!
    He-Man: HE saved you?
    Skeletor: I don’t know what came over me!
    He-Man: It looks like you’re feeling the Christmas spirit, Skeletor! And it makes you feel good.
    Skeletor: I don’t WANT to feel good! I want to feel evil!
    She-Ra: Don’t worry, Skeletor! It will only happen once a year.
    Skeletor: Thank goodness! (General mirth ensues)
Brilliant.

This is a constant problem with He-Man and She-Ra and all cartoon heroes in general. You can never KILL the bad guys. You have to capture them. Even then that rarely happens because cartoon writers don’t like thinking up new bad guys. In that last bit everyone knows, given an opportunity like that while everyone was laughing gaily, He-Man or She-Ra could have just taken a good swipe at Skeletor’s neck with their swords and sent his head bouncing away like a plastic tub of butter across the kitchen floor. But no, they let him go, thus ensuring their future employment by capitalizing off the misfortune of others. They would fit in so well at a middle-management position. Still, it’s probably good that they still had evil to fight against. I have visions of He-Man and She-Ra, now unemployed, living in a trailer together with He-Man continuously trying to extract the furry red wedgie from his bloated 400 pound rear end as he watches college football on television while She-Ra, now an unwed mother of three, furiously tries to scrub puke stains off her moo-moo in the kitchen sink. That’s no life for my first crush. As for He-Man… I can only hope that one day he finally commits the courage to be who he is and who he’s always wanted to be. Just someone buy him some pants for cripe’s sakes.

He-Man and She-Ra were the pinnacle of ‘80s cartoons. I want that show back on the air in all it’s old-school glory. Watching them again gave me a warm fuzzy feeling that I would like to pass on to you in a single word so that you can think of it when you’re feeling low:

HUG!


I personally have never seen any brother and sister get this much enjoyment out
of being near each other. We may have to face the possibility that the “universe”
that they are the masters of may just be Arkansas.



-Porkchop