Personal

• Age: 20
• Gender: Male
• Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
• Occupation: Canadian Armed Forces soldier (Corporal), smartarse
• School: University of Ottawa for B.s.c. in Criminology
• Future Career Choice: RCMP Homicide detective
• Hobbies: Ranting, bitching, moaning, complaining, griping, whining, hanging out with friends, reading, screwing around on the computer, maintaining pointless websites with shit no one would ever want to    read unless they’re suffering some sort of degenerative brain disease (no offence!)
• Favourite Movies: The Crow, Lord of the Rings, Heat, Aliens
• Favourite People: Bug, Nurple, LeRou, Kyleigh, Laetitia Casta (let me dream).
• Hated People: George “Dubya” Bush, Julia Roberts, anyone who says that to carry a gun the size of the Bizmark is a constitutional right.

Questions and Answers

Q. Why won’t you publish your real name?
A. Because you won’t remember it anyways and I don’t want to feel used.

Q. Where did you get the nickname of Porkchop?
A. I made it up for the purpose of an alias in which I could use to rant with impunity.

Q. Why?
A. Because ‘God’ was already taken.

Q. Are you in a relationship?
A. No, I am not. If you want to apply for the position and see if you measure up you can do so here.

Q. Not bloody likely.
A. Shut up. That’s not a question.

Q. What is your religious affiliation?
A. God and I get along fine. It’s religion that bugs the crap out of me.

Q. Where did you grow up?
A. I grew up in London, Ontario - the bellybutton lint of the province - and lived there for most of my life. It would be a lovely place to live if it weren’t for the actual city being there. When I went to University and moved to Ottawa 3 years ago I vowed to only return if absolutely necessary and have as little contact with the general population as possible.

Q. What is the deal you have with the general population? It seems like you have a really low opinion of most people.
A. Just asking that question shows that you have obviously never had contact with the general public.

Q. So does that mean you hate me too?
A. Hate is a very strong word. So yes, I’d say that it’s fairly appropriate.

Q. That’s not very nice.
A. I think you’re ugly too.

Q. Do you like living in Canada?
A. I love it. I’m very patriotic. I think this would be the best country in the world if it weren’t for the walking fence posts with federal budgets that we have running the place. It’s kind of like have Gomer Pile as your landlord and Gilligan as your banker.

Q. Why are you so damn cynical?
A. It is a humor tool. Think about all the jokes you have ever heard… how many of them don’t involve something bad happening to someone else. Good things are nice, but they just ain’t that funny. What’s even more funny are the people who take what I write on this website to be serious.

Q. Where did you get your writing and humour style?
A. It’s something I picked up from reading Dave Barry columns since I was 8. He publishes weekly humour articles in the Miami Herald every Sunday.

Q. If you’re so damn smart as you wrote about here, why aren’t you super rich by now, Mr. SmartyHead?
A. Many reasons. For one, I’m a student. By definition students have no money and it takes money to make money. Plus I’m afraid that if I did have money the university would take that too. They'd probably think up a ‘breathing’ tax or a ‘hiring of increasingly boring and eccentric professors’ tax. Plus I am way too freaking lazy.

Q. Why are almost all of your friends female?
A. Because I find that girls are in general smarter, or at least they make more use of what they have and are more interesting to talk to. Plus I don’t see the usefulness of grunting as a form of communication and the point of men in tights jumping on top of each other to put a ball/puck/whatever into a net/basket/goal/hole. I simply do not care. Plus female friends are much more likely to look like this.

Q. What is the meaning of the “Current Celebrity Infatuation” on the side bar? Are you making fun of those celebrities or do you like them?
A. Hard to tell, really. Sometimes I want to hate them but they’re just so gosh darn fun to make fun of I can’t help but like them anyways. Think of Keanu Reeves for an example that everyone can relate to. Let your heart be your guide.

Q. How many readers do you have?
A. What’s a ‘reader’?

Q. You know, people who regularly come to your website to read the articles.
A. I don’t know anything about that, as it has never happened.

Q. Since you are clearly insane, what (if any) purpose does this website have?
A. It began as a therapeutic tool to get a lot of stress out where I could write whatever was on my mind and vent a little. Then I vented a lot. Eventually, the articles began taking form into semi-literate topical humour. Basically I write for myself and if I can reach out and really irritate some people while I’m at it, it’s all worth it.

Q. Every now and then you actually put something heartfelt and uplifting into your articles that make me feel all tingly in the cockles of my heart. It seems that you’re actually a very sensitive person who uses cynical humour to cover up the raw emotion buried just under the surface and who only wants to express his lighter side and, if it’s possible, do a little good in the world by making someone think that maybe, just maybe, that there is still hope even in the darkest moments of our existence.
A. Those were typos.

Q. Oh.
A. Yeah…

Q. Do you have any siblings?
A. Yes. I have an older sister.

Q. Oh, God, so there’s another one of you in female form?
A. No, I traded her for a candy bar. She’s now part of the menu at Denny’s.

Q. Please tell me you’re not planning on ever reproducing.
A. My thoughts on children are not decided. I know that everyone ELSE’S children are evil little urchins, but I haven’t decided if I want some of my own. If I ever do, any boys will be sent off to military school so we can be properly introduced when he’s 17. Any girls will be held prisoner in their rooms the moment they reach puberty so that no teenage boys can get to them due to the land mines I’ll have on my front lawn. Call me a responsible father.

Q. Can you ever give a straight, non-sarcastic answer to anything?
A. Error! Error! 74G9435H894-67 Invalid Request.

Q. Aieee! He’s a robot!
A. Bzzt. Bzzt. Destroy! Destroy!

-Porkchop