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Current Rants Past Rants Associated Tomfoolery The Suspects Worship Goes Here About the Ranter Updates: Correction under 'The Suspects' for Nurple's bio. Also new pictures up for Nurple and LeRou. 614 |
Date:
January 5, 2003
Currently Thinking There are no victims, only people pretending to be innocent at the time in question. Philosophy of the Day Carpe Scrotum; before it seizes you. Current Celebrity Infatuation Robert De Niro: For being the only guy who can portray amusement, anger, angst and remorse in one facial expression and keep it there for an entire movie. The man is the epitome of cool. |
Why I Will Be Single Forever
Quiet now. Come closer. No sudden movements! This species is very touchy and prone to sharp changes in mood and aggression levels. She’ll tear out your throat if you so much as mention that her new outfit makes her butt look bigger. This is the female human or Homo Confusius (Man-Confuser). They’re a strange and wily breed, quite numerous in the wild and can mostly be found in their native habitats: shoe stores, hunting their prey, the elusive $200 leather pump. They are startled easily, such as when her mate wants to watch SportsCentre right after sex even though this happens every single time yet she refuses to accept this as a worthy alternative to “cuddling” which is defined by men as “it’s way too fucking hot in here for that shit”. This can lead to enourmous fits of rage, foaming at the mouth and frequently biting the head off of and devouring her mate. Oh wait, that’s the Praying Mantis. But the female human is pretty close to that. Women confuse me. Well, that may be somewhat inaccurate. Women confuse the living shit out of me. I don’t know why. Sometimes they seem almost normal, but not quite. I have almost all female friends, so I live in an almost constant state of confusion. The ironic thing is that the average female still makes more sense to me than the average male who has a weird fascination with sweaty, grunting men in tights on a big field running into each other trying to grab onto a slippery ball by jumping on top of one another but STILL refusing to acknowledge the homoeroticism of it all. That’s just messed up. No, what confuses me about women is entirely my own fault I think. I don’t know how to talk to women. Once I get to know them I’m better at it, but it’s the meeting of female strangers that completely throws me. Essentially my brain is going a mile a minute, but isn’t talking to the rest of my body. Here’s an example of what happens when a cute girl that I don’t know comes up to me to say hi.
So clearly my technique is flawed. I usually go home lacking a phone number but with an extra $5.50 in my pocket. This whole episode happens about once a week and yet I do not improve. However, I would say that this is a sign that my misunderstanding of the female species is probably my own fault, yet I still don’t know how to correct it. So I’ve thought about what I do know about women and I think I still have greater knowledge than most guys. I just don’t have the ability to put that knowledge into practice when I meet them. I do know that, although we are living in the age of cooties, you CANNOT contract cooties just from thinking about girls too much. Trust me. I’d know it if that were the case. WARNING! ALL FEMALES MUST STOP READING HERE! TRADE GUY SECRETS! PLEASE SKIP THIS PART AND LOOK BELOW! In reality, though, girls are fairly easy to figure out. First, if they’re mad at you, they’ll usually forgive you for whatever you did (or they think you did) if you’re genuinely sorry and try to make it up to them. Second, girls need to be constantly reminded of how you feel about them. This does not make sense to most guys since any changes in the status of feelings are usually on a need to know basis. “Unless we have told you otherwise, it’s a given.” This does not work on girls. Third, hopefully you will not have picked up one of those girls who sees you as a walking credit card. However, it is a universal rule that the way to a woman’s heart is through the mall. Buying pretty stuff with symbolic value is a sure fire way of putting your household nookey level through the roof. Lastly, actually give a rats ass about whatever she likes/wants to talk about/wants you to talk about/heard her friends talk about or basically whatever she tells you that you should care about, you cold unfeeling bastard. The strong silent type works initially (as opposed to my moronic quiet blubbering type) as it adds mystery and makes them naively think that you’re not like every single other farting, yakking, belching, drinking, putzy male on earth which you clearly are. After that they actually want you to, y’know, talk and stuff, and to (gasp!) listen. Oh, and a good rule of thumb is to ask them every single time after you haven’t seen them in a while (like when they go into the bathroom for 3 hours and you hear heavy machinery but refuse to let you in) if they’ve done something new to themselves. If it’s yes, then you’re in the clear. If it’s no, well then they feel good about themselves anyway. If they have and you DON’T ask them, well then prepare for a long night. Whenever you get a girlfriend or get married you should make sure you have the most comfortable couch you can possibly afford. This all falls under the rule of paying attention n’ shit. There’s more, but I won’t go into them. Basically the rule is don’t do what I do. I spend 99% of my social time around females and they’re still very unpredictable most of the time. For those of you new the we-like-girls club I have provided you a handy dissection of the female person. Read it, know it, love it, cause you probably won’t be able to touch a real one till you get a haircut, get a job and spend a lot more time at the mall.  FEMALES MAY CONTINUE READING BEYOND THIS POINT But when you do finally find the right one, I’m sure she will be wonderful and magical, as I know mine will be if and when I ever find her. But there is one thing you must always remember as the most fundamental aspect of any relationship in order to foster respect and harmony with each other and ensure many years of blissful love: if she says she’s feeling hungry and starts looking at your head, but not at you, cover your neck and run, man, run like the wind. -Porkchop |