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Current Rants Past Rants Associated Tomfoolery The Suspects Worship Goes Here About the Ranter 397 |
Date:
October 06, 2002
Currently Thinking Which is better: a hootinany or a hoedown? Damnit, this is going to keep me up all night. Philosophy of the Day When choosing between the lesser of two evils, always pick the one you've never tried before. Current Celebrity Infatuation Anthony Hopkins: For making us all wonder about the darker side of our mothers' intentions whenever she serves fava beans. |
A Temporary Break From All The Fiddle-Faddle
A serious article today. Sorry, but you all knew it was bound to happen sometime. I have a confession to make. I write these articles for myself. I know my reader will be crushed but these are like therapy to me. It is an experiment into my little world like a small, tentative poke to see what might lie beneath. I need an outlet for what may be bothering me, even if whatever I’m writing about has no relationship to the subject on my mind. I suppose I am concerned today about what makes me, or anyone for that matter, happy. Is it people? A place? Things? I don’t know. I really wish I did. Ask yourself, and really consider it, is the thing that you most long for, the one thing that you think would make you happy… would it cancel everything else out? I’m wondering what that one thing is for myself, and I’ve been wondering for a long time now. I’m not badly off. I’m better off than a lot of people. I have money, relative success (for my short 20 years), intelligence, ambition, relatively good looks and a probable successful future. Why aren’t I happy? There are little things that I want. Things that I can’t name, can’t have or don’t fully realize. It’s the state of mind that I want. In order to be happy… I want happiness to overcome me. Now how do I get that? The most epic war ever fought will be fought inside yourself. We are not our own worst critics. We are our condemners. These little things or big things that we wish to change about ourselves are becoming us, one by one. We don’t like something about ourselves so we change ourselves to overcome it. Self-improvement is an admirable quality, no doubt, but I wonder how far can it go? Can I be the perfect human being by replacing this about me, altering that, behaving this way? Can I make myself happy? Is happiness an attitude or chemical or the result of effort to change the things that happen to us? Unfortunately I can speak for no one but myself. I’ve tried doing this and that to be better, stronger, worry less, eat better, get smarter, change my attitude, get a better outlook on life and I still have yet to find the answer. Oh, I have people to talk to about things and vent frustrations and such. I have great friends; the depth of how much I care about them surprises even me. I’m always thinking about at least one of them at any given time. But I have trouble even talking to them about a lot of things that go on inside my head. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to bother them with it, as I know they each one of them have their own concerns and worries. Maybe it’s because I don’t really know how to put these things into words or am concerned about sounding stupid or ungrateful for the things that I have had bestowed on me, or bestowed upon myself. I do know that it is never easy to understand someone’s mind, and mine is certainly not the easiest of the lot of them. I think everyone is a prisoner inside their own mind, cut off from almost everyone else. Perhaps I feel isolated, trapped in a prison with no walls, no doors and no one in sight. It sounds like I’m trying to be martyred right? Not so. At least not intentionally. After all, no one can understand the depths of you, either. Rather, I feel like I am struggling against the chains of my own limitations bonded to my mind by fear, uncertainty and doubt. I know very well what I have the capability to do, what my strengths and weaknesses are and what things I need to work on. I am held back, though, by worries I hold, maybe my general outlook on life. I am cynical, past articles on here would make any denial of that laughable, but I have always held the highest beliefs and hopes deep inside for what I can do and what to hope for other people. I can’t place what is holding me back. Maybe I just need a push forward, a special chance… or a swift kick in the ass. If I can get that then I believe there is no limit to the quality and amount of the things I can do. I’m straining against those chains… but they are not breaking yet. Life is not just an attitude, but a collaboration of ideas, feelings and other things that I cannot place. I remember many good times in my past. Times like being blissfully happy with past girlfriends, family, friends, Christmases, birthdays and all the usual things. I could cling to these memories and might relive a second or two of their reminiscent joy, but I would rather expect new ones to arise. I have a greater fondness of looking forward to something than looking back on it. I would not expect myself to be simply content with things from the past. I need to move forward, to never be completely satisfied until I have achieved the one great thing that I desire most of all: and I have no idea what that is. There is something burning in my mind and it fills me with a great restlessness and irritability. I need to do something, to be something specific and I cannot place it. As shy as I usually am I have never held back on anything important. I’ve wanted the same job since I was 5 years old and have been doing everything I need to get there. A long while ago I told my best friend that I was in love with her, and despite that I was scared to death of doing it, it had to be done to save our friendship which takes precedence over everything else. But this new thing, which has been ripping me up for months, is something that escapes me and it is driving me bananas. It is the holy grail of happiness. I know it is there, but cannot reach it. I think you have one too. If you have any idea about what I’m talking about, or even have the determination to read this far down in the verbose, overly written diatribe, feel free to write me. Perhaps this is life’s way of telling me to always continue looking, to never stop being the best I can be, whatever that may be. Can I reach that goal? Is this feeling of something out there, something that I have to be or to do or whatever actually tangible and achievable? I guess only time will tell. I just wish I didn’t know it was out there. The only thing worse than knowing what you’re missing, is not knowing. I think that’s all I have to say about that. Clearly there are far more many questions than answers in this article. I’m sorry to all those who read through this whole thing looking for great insights, but unfortunately I have none to give. There will be no great revelations or solutions here today, but I promise next time I’ll be back to my same old rants and raves about the fibbles and foibles of life. -Porkchop |