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About the Ranter
513 		Date: November 07, 2002
Currently Thinking
Hide the crazy, there's only enough for me.
Philosophy of the Day
You are never truly beautiful if you have an ugly soul and you are never truly ugly if you have an uglier friend to stand next to.
Current Celebrity Infatuation
Winona Ryder: For proving that even high paid movie stars need their petty felonies. Late night television hosts haven't had this much ammo since the Clinton administration.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

As Christmas is drawing closer and closer (or, alternatively, the non-denominational pseudo-holiday season), I have put together an early wish list. But not just any wish list... no... I have, in my unselfish nature, decided to put aside my own needs and instead ask for things that the whole world (especially me) can enjoy! Therefore I have assembled a few piffling Christmas requests:

  1. Install invisible, retractable armoured plating around the male genitalia. This will decrease unfortunate softball-related accidents. Although this will spell the end of America’s Funniest Home Videos, the world will be better for it.
  2. Addition of extra gene in all carbon-based lifeforms: inability to telemarket.
  3. Memo from God to everyone: When I said “Thou shalt not kill” I fucking MEANT IT.
  4. Eternity shall now be measured in golf tournaments.
  5. Monkey butlers for everyone!
  6. The Simpsons must be on at least one channel at all times.
  7. George W. Bush will be turned into a talking goat for everyone’s amusement (as if he isn’t close enough).
  8. The death penalty will be replaced by forcing prisoners to watch Roseanne Barr standup comedy specials for 12 hours every day for their entire sentences.
  9. Anyone quoting Austin Powers in a social setting will be descended upon by rabid water buffalo.
  10. The marked differences between the libidos of men and women… okay we all had a good laugh, but the joke is over.
  11. God presses Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the American South, triggering biblical floods and starts fresh.
  12. Bill Gates finally comes out of the closet and reveals that he is Satan.
  13. The best things in life will actually be free and not some stupid Hallmark card sentiment.
  14. Every boy band member will suddenly blow up to 300 lbs and fall asleep during concerts face first into a bucket of chicken, often during mid-song.
  15. Everyone will stop referring to shallow people as having “fake” personalities. How the hell can you be fake? They’re shallow people: that is their personality.
  16. More idiot criminals trying to rob convenience stores with paper bags on their heads, yet somehow forgetting to cut out eyeholes.
  17. Scientists will finally realize that they have exhausted the potential of cloning sheep and move on to cloning Jessica Alba.
  18. 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not bring small, crying children on to public buses or to movie theatres.
  19. Britney Spears’ breasts eventually grow so massive that they collapse into themselves like a neutron star.
  20. Spiders will be altered in appearance to look like small fluffy kittens.
  21. Memo from God to Everyone - Re: Thou Shalt Not Kill: I’m not kidding. Knock it off. Don’t make me come down there.
  22. After witnessing the lawsuits of Ms. I-Spilled-Hot-Coffee-on-Myself versus McDonalds, Mr. I-Fell-Through-a-Skylight-While-Trying-To-Rob-A-House versus Innocent Homeowner and (the inevitable) Someone versus Everyone, God sues the human race for being a dick. Guess who wins…
  23. People will stop whining over the civil rights of murderers and child molesters. Do YOU want these people voting for your country’s leaders?
  24. In order to cut down on the growing number of lawyers in our society, saying “Objection!” in court will be replaced by imitating Marvin the Martian from The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show saying “Oooh, this makes me VERY angry!”
  25. Memo from God to Everyone - Re: Thou Shalt Not Kill: This isn’t open to interpretation, folks. I didn’t say “Thou Shalt Not Kill Unless You Can Justify It According To Your Personal Whims”. How hard is this concept?
  26. Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy Pop, or whatever he calls himself now, is imprisoned for life for hogging up all the ugly.
  27. Anyone officially declaring war under the guise of “legality” in UN rules must do so by strapping a blender to his head and performing the Macarena in front of all the delegates so that no one will take him/her seriously.
  28. Ranch dressing will come as a side dip to everything.
  29. Two words: Free Beer.
  30. Having BO on a public bus becomes an indictable offence under ‘Wanton Attempt to Commit Stank’.
  31. Christina Aguilera gives herself pinkeye by watching her own music videos.
  32. Have you seen these guys walking around wearing those fedoras like your grandpa used to? I don’t know what should be done about them, I just really think they look stupid.
  33. Howard Stern farts next to a candle, explodes.
  34. Memo from God to Everyone - Re: Doom: That’s it! I hope you all know how to tread water.

-Porkchop