|
|
Current Rants Past Rants Associated Tomfoolery The Suspects Worship Goes Here About the Ranter 562 |
Date:
November 17, 2002
Currently Thinking Do you swear to do the funk, the whole funk and nothing but the funk? Philosophy of the Day It's always fun until someone loses an eye... then it's blind fun! Current Celebrity Infatuation The Tic-Tac girl: For somehow enveloping me in a minty-fresh sense of awe. God forbid that I'm ever operating heavy machinery when that commercial comes on. |
I'm a Jerk,
You're a Jerk
No one is perfect. Everyone has his or her little faults and problems, quirks and quibbles, fetishes and drug dependencies. You, I’m sorry to say, are no different. It is perhaps the most difficult thing in the world to identify your own failings. So I will do it for you. See? This is better than therapy, because I don’t charge you a hundred bucks an hour and will never spew psycho-babble because I like to listen to myself speak. I just write so I have a excuse to rant without being detained by the authorities. I am also honest, drawing confidence from the fact that most of you do not know where I live. But even I am not immune to the various personal inadequacies that plague our mortal humanness (please remain seated, I know you’re outraged, but you already knew it deep down). Everyone has little issues that others would like to change. This is important, because if it didn’t matter to a certain degree what others thought about us, we’d never try to improve ourselves (this does not apply to the woman I once overheard saying to her friend that she was fretting over her “chubby ankles”. Trust me ladies, the only time a guy will ever notice your ankles will be when he’s lying on the barroom floor after you knocked him over the head with a bottle for commenting on your other attributes.). Some of you are too emotional, not emotional enough, not smart enough, too smart for your own good, some of you constantly breathe through your nose loud enough while you’re eating so that I that I periodically look up to wonder how the hell the city built a freaking freeway through my living room only to realize that your nostrils have flared to the width that could pass a freight train and I’m wondering how long I have to get away before even light cannot escape the black holes that are your nasal passages except that I can’t even hear my own thoughts over the roar of all the air being sucked from the room into the ample space inside your head. Phew… sorry… a little personal experience may have found its way in there. Anyway, most of the problems that people have are fairly trifling in nature and not nearly as bad as most people think of them. Your intelligence, personal appearance, your social clique, chubby ankles… these are all things that, if they cannot be worked around or improved upon, they can at least be seriously what the hell is WITH your nostrils? Are you breathing for TWO people??? Did you accidentally swallow an entire hospital respirator without noticing while you were shoveling food into that gaping maw of yours like someone was going to take it away from you??? Did you know that you can’t actually suffocate during the 0.7 seconds it takes to swallow something and that you don’t have to store up extra oxygen in preparation? What are you doing, giving birth to a freaking triceratops horns-first? Are you storing the food in your lungs? Are you… WHOA! Sorry about that, folks… don’t know what came over me there. I guess I hit a sore spot… Now where was I. Oh yeah… most faults are small things that can either be improved upon, worked around or, in most cases, aren’t even noticeable to the majority of people. But there is one problem that I have noticed that seems to be prevalent in most. I’m sure you’ve noticed it too. The people suffering from this problem are everywhere. They’re on the streets, they’re in the malls, they may even be in your home. YOU may suffer from this affliction and not even know about it. Yes… I’m talking about Jerks. There, I said it. Put those kitchen knives back in the drawer, remember you don’t know where I live (I hope). Jerks are a common breed. They may not know they are Jerks, but YOU know it, and that is enough. Stupid people can be funny, smart people can be useful… but Jerks… well, we can all do with less of them. Jerks can be any type of person: smart, stupid, talented, untalented, the geeks and the popular, although for some reason the vast majority of Jerks seem to be drawn towards middle management positions and people who drive in front of your car (if they drive slower than me they’re inconsiderate; if they drive faster than me they’re lunatics; if they drive in front of me they want to die!). Now you may ask yourself “How can I tell if I am a Jerk?” Well I have a couple of scientific (meaning that I made them up without doing any research whatsoever) quizzes here that can tell you just that! QUIZ #1
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may very well be a Jerk. These are just a few example questions of course. There can be many other warning signs of being a Jerk, so I have designed a careful quiz to account for all of these unresearched factors: QUIZ #2
If you look around you, there are signs all over the place telling you that you are a Jerk. I am referring specifically to those chain emails that you get once every three days announcing that this email came from some place that may or may not be fictional with a name like Scoopapoopaztan and has been around the world 15 times and if you send it to all of the people on your list, they might consider taking little Ricky down off the cross. Of course, many of these solicitations come in the form of phone calls too, and they take a much more direct route such as demanding money so that you can prove that you don’t REALLY hate orphaned children. The time will soon come when I have given money out to so many charities to prove that I have in fact deep and passionate sympathy for kids born with an extra foot where they should have eyebrows, that I will have to beg for handouts from little Ricky, who is now living in a 17 acre condo. Then he will laugh. Because little Ricky is a Jerk. So we are surrounded by Jerks. I know you all have your personal examples of when you ran into a Jerk. Many of you have probably had past boyfriends or girlfriends who were Jerks! But we don’t have to take it! No, we can outdo them with unflappable kindness! So, I ask you, each of you, to go out and do something spontaneously nice for someone (and don’t write me emails pointing out the oxymoron of purposely doing something spontaneous, I don’t care) so that they may feel inspired to do the same. By gum, niceness need not be a chore! Unless you work in the public service industry,in which case I just request that you leave the higher calibre weapons at home. It’s all I can ask of you. QUIZ #3
-Porkchop |