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Current Rants Past Rants Associated Tomfoolery The Suspects Worship Goes Here About the Ranter 420 |
Date:
September 20, 2002
Currently Thinking I've got a bad case of slaphappery. Philosophy of the Day That beautiful woman staring at you from across the way might be your future wife. Of course your inevitable second wife is probably in 4th grade right now. Pervert. Current Celebrity Infatuation Keith Richards. For so adorably refusing to die. |
Malebot 2002
WARNING! Before reading this instructional document, due to unexpected snickering and/or any silent nodding of your head in agreement, please ensure that your significant other has left the room. For males, failure to heed this warning may result in injuries ranging in severity. Possible symptoms may include dirty looks, slappage, slamming of doors, death or refusale of sex for up to and including one (1) week. For females it must be noted that any of the afforementioned unexpected reactions to this instructional tool may be interpreted by your significant other for permission to do so also and may set back months of hard earned whippage. The author absolves all responsibility for the results of failure to heed this warning. Introduction Thankyou for your purchase of the new and improved Malebot 2002®! This instructional document contains helpful and necessary information on proper maintenance and operation of your Malebot 2002. Due to shipping problems you may have accidentally received an older Malebot 1984. If you have received this model, you can recognize it by the presence of an outdated wardrobe and a mullet. Please accept our sincere appologies and write to us and we will send you the new George Clooney Hair and Chiselled Chin Attachment free of charge! Operation Thanks to years of experience and research completed by outside sources such as Maxim, your Malebot 2002 is easier to use than ever! There are simple techniques and tools that you can master easily for complete and utter dominance and control! It's fun! Step 1: Preventing Mishaps The best and most efficient way to operate Malebot 2002 to prevent any serious social and/or behavioural misprogramming is the Raised Eyebrow Technique. This simple movement freezes Malebot 2002 in a state of panic and confusion and he will automatically begin an attempt to realize his error. Due to limited development of the technology in the Bio-Retinal Aptitude Intelligence Network (B.R.A.I.N.), this may take some time. Be patient. After all, some time and effort now can result in years of service! To use this technique, simply raise one eyebrow higher than the other one. It does not matter which one you pick, just as long as they are of differing heights enough to access the Understanding Heinous Operations Helixchip (U.H.O.H) portion of his B.R.A.I.N. Once you have mastered that part of the technique, practice keeping the rest of your face in a neutral position. Got that? Now try to complete the technique by making a quietly yet intently-interested expression in coordination with the raised eyebrow. The Malebot 2002 should respond by inquiring about the meaning or reason for the implimentation of this technique to which you should use the Command word "Nothing" pronounced with the emphasis at the beginning of the word (NUH-thing) in a neutral tone of voice. This Malebot 2002 should immediately cease his current actions, put whatever he was reaching for down and sit for several minutes with a worried expression on his display panel (also referred to as the "face" or "ugly"). The unit is now ready to accept your corrective programming. See how easy that was? Try it a few times to get the hang of it. Don't bother to explain the reasons for this as the unit does not need to know. If Malebot 2002 really cared, he should know already. Step 2: Programming Now that your unit is in his default confused state, he is ready for programming. The method that works best on Malebot 2002 is called the Neuro-Alterations Guidelines (N.A.G.). The key to this programming technique is to insert your requested change of behaviour into every communication you hold with the unit regardless of relevance until desired effect is achieved. If your desired programming is for his acceptance of the waste disposal duties, when he asks where the remote is, insert the command "Probably next to the garbage which you still haven't taken out" etc. This can sometimes be a very time-consuming and tedious process due to the limitations of the processor and the input recognition abilities (also known as "Listening") but the results are well worth it. We hope to correct these problems and many other inefficiencies with the Danielle Steele Special Edition Malebot currently in development. Look for it early next millenia! Once you have perfected the N.A.G. technique, programming should be a snatch. Keep in mind that the deeper ingrained the problematic programming is within his subroutines, the longer it will take to alter them. However, anything is possible with this technique whether it be to assist in home maintenance or to cease communication with other defective Malebots on his network. Sometimes this technique can be difficult to master, but keep at it! It is a necessary skill for your complete enjoyment of your unit. Step 3: Emergency Reprogramming If for some reason your unit has undertaken a serious course of action for which normal programming does not seem to be correcting, you can initialize an emergency reboot to remind the unit where his priorities are. This reboot is performed by depriving the unit of sexual input for an extended period of time or as needed. NOTE: The principles stated in Step 1 will not apply here. Ensure that the unit understands exactly why your output (also referred to as "putting out") has halted. This is to ensure no mistakes are made and the unit has the information necessary to make corrective actions. Keep in mind that too many emergency reboots such as these can result in system corrosion and a breakdown of user-unit communication and may terminate your service warranty. General Maintenance Your Malebot 2002 requires regular maintenance at frequent intervals to keep the unit functioning properly. Some maintenance such as refuelling and corrosion prevention as well as general cleaning are an autonomous feature built into the unit while other types of maintenance can only be provided by you. Such requirements include sexual input and output, emotional support (not present in all versions), humouring attempted experiments at jokes (his intelligence is artificial, after all!) and frequent time allotted with his remote electronic product communication device (also known as the "Remote Control"). Optional maintenance that may assist in the extension of the unit's service years include hydraulic revitalization (or "massage"), extended time allotted for internal system maintenance on weekends (or "sleeping in") and assistance in alcohol-based fuel lubrication (or "getting the unit a beer"). Things to Remember -The Malebot 2002 is not a toy. Do not allow others to play with him. -The Malebot 2002 is not a completely autonomous unit. Requesting a constant system status such as "What are you thinking?" is not within his defined parameters and may cause an error resulting in a communications breakdown. -Occasional retinal control functions may be compromised when other female humans are present and may result in an appearance of the unit staring at random portions of afformentioned females. This is a glitch. Correction is unwarranted. Think nothing of it and pretend it never happened. -The Malebot 2002 has a backup processing unit in the location of the pelvic region. It is easily recognizable and may perform a large portion of the unit's behaviour motivation. If the unit's attention span is malfunctioning remember that a sure technique to regain control is to place one hand firmly over this region and remind him just who, exactly, is his primary user. The results of extensive testing warns that the use of the word "bitch" is not advised. Thankyou again for your purchase of the Malebot 2002. We are constantly striving to meet your needs and expectations. If you have any questions or need assistance, please call your local relationship counsellor. We hope you will enjoy many years of service by your Malebot 2002, but remember to upgrade frequently! |