Current Rants
Past Rants
Associated
Tomfoolery
The Suspects
Worship Goes Here
About the Ranter
440
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Date:
January 24, 2003
Currently
Thinking
Day 623 of my attempt to grow opposable toes... No Progress.
Philosophy of the Day
There is no correlation between the ability to accomplish anything and the will to do so.
Current Celebrity Infatuation
Bob Dole: For becoming the spokesman for Viagra and going out of his way to resemble his own product. It was like they were made for each other. Frankly, that's just disturbing.
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Before the Karma Gets Me
I have a few things I need to get off my chest. For anyone who is looking for further proof that I am a terrible, terrible person, look no further. I have compiled a selection of things I feel that I should apologize for thinking due to my overt irritability on that public transportation system to Hell: the city bus. I am a regular and frequent user of our extensive public transportation system and I sometimes find myself, well, a little bit peeved at some of the people who also frequent it. Many of you who take the bus may recognize these people, as there are always several of them every time you board. Still, I feel that I should be a stronger person and strive to better myself. I want to cease being a pessimistic, sarcastic judgmental little shit and grow and blossom into a pessimistic, sarcastic, non-judgmental shit of and for the people. So without further ado, here is my list of apologies:
- I am sorry for thinking that the bus driver looks like Cher. I am sure Cher has all her teeth.
- I am also sorry to my eyeballs for putting them through that ordeal.
- I am sorry for becoming irritated at the woman who was loudly talking to herself in gibberish. I should not have been mean to someone who is so clearly bat-shit insane.
- I am sorry for thinking that there is no way that the 300 lb. man qualifies for the disabled and elderly reserved seating just because he can’t put down the Ring Dings.
- I am sorry for thinking mean thoughts about the guy wearing pants ten sizes too big for him, listening to rap music and talking to his friend in ‘homey-speak’. I should have given mad props to his skillz, yo.
- I am also sorry for wanting to beat the hell out of him with a hardened piece of elephant fecal matter. Such thoughts were disrespectful to his flava.
- I am sorry for thinking that the goth guy with the dyed black hair and approximately 30 piercings would better qualify as a coat rack than an identifiable human being. Just because he wants to dress like a total jackass in a desperate attempt to be different, just like everyone else, doesn’t give me the right to label him as such.
- I am sorry for thinking that the brunette standing in front of me has a fantastic ass. I am sure she is a wonderful human being with a beautiful and intelligent personality. She also has a fantastic ass.
- I am sorry for thinking that the blonde is probably a total slut. Just because she has a skirt that ends somewhere around her bellybutton and is otherwise wearing less clothing than the average porn star in minus 30 degrees C temperatures could mean that she just values style over comfort and has deep and supportive friendships with the seventeen guys following her like remora eels. I should never jump to conclusions.
- I am sorry for looking down upon 16 year old guy sharing his various sexual conquests in explicit detail with all of his buddies in a voice suitable for directing jetliners on the airport tarmac. Just because it is natural to assume that anyone so vocal about the adventures he has had actually means that he wouldn’t know what to do with a female if he were given directions and a map, doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take his statements at face value. Did I also mention that he substituted the words ‘female’, ‘girl’ and ‘young lady’ for the collective terms ‘ho’ and ‘bitch’? Actually, y’know what? I’m not that sorry.
- I am sorry for becoming uncomfortable when the hippie chick sat down next to me just because she smells like a combination of weed and fried chicken (vegetarian, my ass) and has more visible body hair than I do.
- I am sorry for thinking that the bus driver learned to drive at Jim’s School of Braking Like A Whacko. Just because he loves the sound of passengers flying into the windshield at 40mph, doesn’t give me the right to judge.
- I am sorry to the old lady who whacked me in the side with her cane and told me that the three inches of space between myself and the next person standing beside me was preventing the ten people standing outside from getting on the bus for referring to her inside my head as an “old bat”. I had not realized how rude it was for me to not be molesting that person beside me and take full responsibility for there being so many people on the bus.
- I am sorry to that person that I ended up inadvertently molesting in the interest of three inches. Call me!
- I am sorry for being irritated at the three 15 year old females at the back of the laughing and cackling and talking to each other in voices loud enough to shatter glass. I am also sorry for thinking that there aren’t enough child sweat shops in the country.
- I am sorry for judging the 3 jocks with wool hats, somber facial expressions and puffy jackets as “Fred Durst clones” and thinking that their ‘goat-ees’ remind me of a playboy model’s pubic hair.
- I am sorry for cataloguing everyone who got on the bus in a row as “Ugly. Ugly. Ok. Ugly. Hot. Ugly. Ugly. Probably not their original gender. Ugly. Needs a haircut.” Etc. I am also sorry for thinking that the reason the media is so obsessed with advertising beauty is that society has an excessive rarity of good looking people.
- I am sorry for thinking that the guy who sat down on the inward-facing seats with his legs stretched across the aisle and refused to move them when people walked by should have them removed at the knees.
- I am sorry for commenting inwardly on the possible parentage and ancestral background of the person who held up the bus for 5 minutes by interrogating the bus driver on what bus would take him home when there was a goddamned bus route map for the entire city 3 feet behind him.
- I am sorry for wishing that the sun would emit a sudden and intense ion burst that would cause the walkman belonging to the guy who was playing ‘deth metal’ at full volume to detonate his head.
- I am NOT nor WILL EVER BE SORRY for the woman who brings her crying, whining, screaming spawn onto the bus and decides to teach them a lesson by ignoring them so that they cry and cry and cry without interruption and everyone on the bus dies a little inside. I hate you.
Do you think that will count against me?
-Porkchop
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