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Current Rants Past Rants Associated Tomfoolery The Suspects Worship Goes Here About the Ranter 411 |
Date:
March 25, 2002
Currently Thinking The deepest places in Hell are reserved for telephone company execs. Philosophy of the Day Better to have loved and lost than be licked in the face by a circus clown. Current Celebrity Infatuation Catherine Zeta Jones. For giving hope to shifty, amorphious blob-like men all over the world. Yes I'm jealous. So are you. |
God Goes to HollyWood
Well kids, there you have it. The Oscars are over. I'd love to give you a rehash of the events, but frankly I watched about 5 awards and the only one I can remember was Denzel Washington for Training Day. I consider myself a huge movie buff and thereby force myself to at least attempt to watch the Oscars, but frankly I don't have that kind of patience. 3 hours (or more?) of listening to people, only half of which I've ever heard of thank other people I've never heard of. The only thing I really want to know is who won in the main categories, and I can read that in the paper. Not that I'm saying these people don't deserve it. I'm just saying I don't care. I'm mostly sitting there wondering how many packs of Slim Jims Jeniffer Lopez's dress could buy for homeless people. What I am also wondering, however, is whether or not the Oscars are fixed. Oh, not in the way that the media whines about. But I've noticed that a large portion of the people who manage to haul their $20,000,000 insured rear-ends up on stage tend to thank the Big guy. That's right people: God is fixing the Oscars. Don't start writing letters to your congressmen and/or members of Parliament. This is bigger than you and I. Or maybe it's Jesus. The Oscars do tend to be more popular with the younger crowd. The actors seem so sure of themselves too. It's like Jesus comes down and is like "Hey... Gwenyth. When I get back from appearing in some morning breakfast sausage in the American south, the Oscar, baby... it's all for you." Which reminds me, someone needs to go to the American south and tell those people to stop drinking the bong water. I'm sure this is not always how it happens, however. Russel Crowe probably tried to sell his soul to Satan for it. After his little bash-the-producer fest, I'm sure even Lucipher wasn't taking bets on that one. But what's the old saying? "If God be for us, then who could be against us?" Well how does He, in his infinite wisdom, decide? Is it by morals? Fate? Actual talent? (Har!) It seems that the possession of the Golden Patrick Stuart is decided more by media hype than much else. Of course, not necessarily main stream media, since a lot of movies have gotten the Oscar that have either not made the required profit equal to at least the GNP of Peru or no one but the critics ever even heard of them. I mean... who but the critics ever watches a short animated film on purpose?? The vast majority of the North American public is far more likely to be able to recite a Tide Commercial from 1988 than know about a short film called something like Le Poisson. So it is basically the critics that decide whether a movie is good or not. I guess that makes sense, since they're the supposed experts (by which I mean they have no other marketable skills than to judge other people). But none of the actors ever thank the critics. No, they are the martyrs of the film and theatre world. The unsung heros, the toiling peasants on which the mideval country subsists, the grunts, the geeks that no one notices who end up curing cancer, the Bob "Recount" Dole of great cinema. Why? Because it's Jesus who has them in His pocket. No, the actors know this and they're going straight to the source. After all, they live in Hollywood... they must know more than the rest of us. Why else would so many people who become famous immediately tell us exactly where we should stand on political and/or social issues? I know that Fred Durst's endless tirades about socio-institutional problems are nothing other than divine intervention. But the actors have got it down pat. They know who's in charge here. And if there's one thing we can learn from this whole thing it's that critics are the closest people to God. Note to Russel Crowe: Time to switch to a music career. You'd fit in great at the Grammys. -Porkchop |