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Current Rants Past Rants Associated Tomfoolery The Suspects Worship Goes Here About the Ranter 406 |
Date:
March 29, 2002
Currently Thinking If I can resist picking my nose at stop lights so can you. Philosophy of the Day A person canl save hours of every day if he or she spends a few minutes every morning becoming pre-lethargic. Current Celebrity Infatuation Michael Jackson. For showing us all that even a poor black boy can grow up to be a rich white woman. |
I'm Asking For
It This Time
I'm starting to get very sick of winter... Up here in snowy Ottawa, Canada, we get more than the average amount of snow... in fact, it's the coldest capital in the world (I knew my retention ability for useless facts would pay off). But it's been going warm then snowing and freezing, back to warm again for the past 3 weeks, so it's no surprise that I don't entrely trust it this time. Now it's all warm again... like Mother Nature (who, judging from natural phenomenon such as volcanos, huricanes and Celine Dion, is a cruel, heartless bitch) is playing tricks again. It's like she's drawing us out again before she smacks us with an icy hammer like a planetary whack-a-mole game. Frankly I'm sick of it. I'd take it up with God, but I'm sure he's got his hands full keeping Keith Richards alive. And it occurs to me... I keep mentioning God, but I'm not... technically... religious. In the sense of practicing or praying or really believing a damn thing about it. But I find myself believing more in the concept of a God. But not in the sense that He's thought of in modern society (and I say He on purpose... we'll get into that later). No, that would not be like me at all... believing in what the common mortal thinks! HAHAHAHAHA *Gives a hearty laugh and then belches a lighting bolt* I more think of God as sitting around at a poker table with Plato, Joan of Arc, and other people who have been martyred in his name and similar causes, smoking a giant cuban and with a constant startled look in his eyes, yelling "Do you know what they DID in my name NOW???" every day. And everyone at the table would nod and laugh cynically at what a bunch of doorknobs the human race can be. Of course you can't put the blame entirely on the human race. At least some of it is the fault of country singers, since they are not technically human. After all, no mere mortal could put out a billion songs that all sound exactly alike and still manage to sell. But I'm sure you've heard these types of songs before, at least you did once your ears stopped bleeding. A lot of them sing about the trials and tribulations of lost love and the pain and torment of just plain living (which I'm assuming is why they created country music so that they could spread that pain around). Anyways, after hearing that type of thing all the time, you'd just HAVE to believe in something better in the next life to keep yourself from jumping in front of an AMTrak. But this opens the door to artistic interpretation. This is a bad thing. That's like the office mail boy going up to the CEO and saying "I appreciate you giving me this job, but you're running this place ALL WRONG." Of course, I assume that God takes us all with a grain of salt. If he didn't, I'm pretty sure we'd be smited into giblets by now (unless you count the Back-N'StreetSync Boys or Hanson as much slower deaths). Frankly, I'd be more worried if I were the Pope. I mean, if you were God's supreme messenger, wouldn't you be worried about getting the message right? I don't think I could handle that kind of pressure. What if God isn't really in the form of a man? What if he's really something like, I don't know... a platypus? (Of course this isn't true. The platypus was another cruel joke played by mother nature when God wasn't looking. He's too distracted by continually tying to get Kevin Costner movie deals.) But if God were in the form of a human, I am SURE he's a guy. I don't say this to be sexist, but let's look at the evidence: 
1) Laetitia Casta (French supermodel for those of you who
live on the far side of the moon). 
2) Angelina Jolie's lips.
3) Beer. Wonderful, wonderful beer. 
4) This next part is important, so I will be using Caps-Lock with great frequency. Some of the most compelling evidence is the way that each gender is made. Has anyone else noticed that the female body is glorious and graceful and beautiful in almost every respect while the male body, even in its prime, looks like some sort of an ant-eater crossed with a hairless baboon but with less table manners? I thought so. It seems that the male body was just slapped together haphazzardly with VERY important parts in far too easily kicked places. HAR! That wacky God. Always kidding around. But it's obvious that not a lot of thought was placed into our creation ("Just slap it on... it'll be fine") while there was obviously much consideration put into the female body ("The complexity of hormones will make them strangely drawn to shoes and shiny things... LET THERE BE MALLS!") Of course this could always be the work of Mother Nature again. A big practical joke... but it doesn't seem like that. It's more of a too-distracted-to-kinda-notice type of oversight. Of course this results in the fact that males are almost uncontrollably attracted to the female form while females only notice the males if they come holding pretty things. What, you think that when the three wise men came bearing gifts they were for the baby? HAHAHAHAHA! You shmuck. Obviously they knew that they would be tracking mud and sand onto Mary's nicely swept floor since doormats hadn't been invented yet and they would be SERIOUSLY in the doghouse with the mother of God's son if they didn't bring SOMETHING to brighten her mood. 5) Yet perhaps the greatest piece of proof is that from day one through six God created the heavens, the earth and life. And what has he done since? This is definently guy behaviour. For anyone who has observed a guy on a weekend, you will notice that he will do something useful like mow the lawn for approximately one hour and then claim to be "resting" for the next 6 months. Hey, I'd be tired too after creating all that, but it's not like he hasn't had time to catch up on his sleep. I think it's time for him to do something great again... like possibly shutting up Fred Durst. I know that would probably take nothing less than an act of God. Oh, one more thing. If woman WAS the graven image of God, do you think ‘She' would allow 10, 000 years of male dominance before finally getting irritated and stepping in? Of course this isn't the strongest argument, because this would possibly be in character for a female: quietly allowing the guy to firmly and continually insert his foot far enough into his mouth (or other orifices) until realizing that he should stop before she extracts her revenge. If this is true, I just wish that we could SEE her, since women seem to be able to communicate more with one raised eyebrow and one intently-interested gaze than presidents have said in an entire State of the Union address and maybe we would know to cut it the hell out. Of course we wouldn't notice if the game was on. Of course I could be wrong about this. I might have completely misread the evidence. Maybe God isn't in the same form as humans at all... I mean, it is a little arrogant to think of ourselves as the choice personal favourite of God, isn't it? Let's think about this... if all God's creatures are sacred, then that means anything could be the chosen form. He could even be in the form of a gigantic spider! Heaven could be filled with entimologists! I'll save you a seat in Hell. -Porkchop |